If you've ever met and cared about someone who suffers from a mental illness you could easily find out as much information as you want to know. This information will most likely be accurate, but there is so much information that you can only found out from the one suffering from the disease itself. This is because every disease is different. It's a chemical imbalance and no ones chemicals react the same way within their bodies. It's virtually impossible to assume the same for every person. One thing, for example, for me is the pain. The sheer, unending physical pain I suffer when I'm in a depression/anxious episode. Yeah, I might not be the only one that suffers this and I'm not saying I am...I've never talked to anyone else to find out. I fight alone. Right now, however, I'm in this pain and I am fighting alone. That's the hardest part about it. The fighting alone.
I'm doing great all day at work. I'm a hard-working employee who tries my best everyday to do everything I can do to be successful and I absolutely adore what I do for a living. Then comes 4pm. Things start to drag for me and the loneliness begins. The pain begins. The feeling of fighting battles alone in the world start. And no....my battles are no one else's to fight BUT mine and I do not expect anyone to be there by my side. But sometimes, just sometimes, it's really nice to have a cheering section.
Most of my friends here in GA are new. They don't understand what I suffer or how I suffer. I don't hide the fact that I'm bi-polar to anyone. It's a badge of honor to me, to be so "normal" AND a bi-polar. I am winning at my disease. I will not let it defeat me. But at the same time, I don't tell others the whole story to it.
Here's the truth of the matter. I suffer everyday to be who I am. I fight every battle and every single one is uphill. I WILL be successful despite what my brain and body are telling me. I WILL do whatever I can to have a normal, successful, and amazing life for me and my children. I will smile, and laugh, and joke, and be happy. I will get my work down, I will form bonds, I will NOT be "that crazy bitch". Sometimes though...sometimes I just need a little help.
I don't ask for help easily. In fact, I'm very nonchalant about it. The one thing I don't want to be is needy or a pain in the ass. That's not me. Sometimes all the help I need is a person to text for awhile to not feel so alone. Maybe a drink one night or lunch one afternoon. Maybe it's just to sit somewhere NOT alone, to be within someone else's presence. Something small. Am I going to whine and complain and be a downer? Probably not, but I am a sharer. I am not a secret keeper when it comes to my problems. It's just not me, but I'm not going to bring anyone else down with me...because I don't WANT anyone else down with me. *I* don't want to be down with me, why would I want someone else I care about there too?!
Now about that pain we feel. It's miserable. It tears a person up. You feel no joy, just pain. Just anger. Just something inside you trying to burst out of you. This is what causes me to want to cut. This is the pain that causes me, in the past, to want to leave this world. ANYTHING to make it stop. Yes, I used to be a cutter. Yes, I used to be suicidal. Yes, I fight everyday NOT to be anymore. WHY?! Because it's so important to me to be here. Because my kids are important. Because what I contribute to this world is important. I'm not saying I will never cut again. When that pain comes it's so hard not to. One pain to stop another....that's what it's all about. ANYTHING to not feel that ripping and tearing inside, including feeling something ELSE to replace it. But I made promises to myself. I have experienced others who are cutters and have seen it from the other side of the spectrum...I know what it's like to feel helpless to help someone in that situation and I don't want anyone else to feel that with me.
What is the point of this post? I really don't know. I just needed to get my feelings out because it was do this or sit in my room shaking and crying. I'm sorry if you've read this and are like "WTF, Mate?!" but I do thank you for taking the time to read it. Please reach out to anyone you do know that suffers from any kind of mental illness. We aren't scary. We are normal. We are humans too...and we fight everyday to make it through and be just like you. We didn't choose this. But we can choose to overcome it. That's what I will do for the rest of my life. Take my meds and choose to overcome. And if you know someone, consider getting to know them. You may find an amazing person behind that "stigma".
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