I have 2 posts to write, one I've been procrastinating on and this one that NEEDS to get written tonight for MY wellbeing. (I promise I'll write the next one while it's still this year ;) )
I've been struggling. It's to the point I can't be in support groups anymore (online or in person), I can't read the newsfeeds of my bariatric friends, some I can't even bring myself to talk to anymore. Depression overwhelms me, my anxiety starts flaring, my panic attacks start. Why am I not losing?! What did I do to deserve the "dud" sleeve or have so many of these problems!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, and frankly...I'm fucking jealous.
I said in my last post about how I haven't lost anything in a long time. I still haven't. A month later. I was in tears tonight with my husband over the whole situation. Again. He brings up the same thing every time. "You didn't have the surgery to be skinny, you had it to be healthy, remember?" Okay, fine, but you know what...I've been a fat girl all my life, for once it'd be totally awesome to know what it was like to be a "normal" or "skinny" girl. And STILL 85ish pounds later, after having weight loss surgery, I'm a size 14 and can shop at Lane Bryant. Just for ONCE I'd like to walk past that store and say "PFFT nothing in there fits me anymore!" NOT because it's BAD to wear clothes from there, I had an AMAZING wardrobe from there for the last 15 years!!! Just because it'd be awesome to say "Those clothes don't fit me" to a plus size store. Like I've had to say to "Normal" stores ever since I was a teenager. That's all. Yes, I can shop in most "Normal" stores now...if they run up a bit bigger in sizing, but it'd be awesome to say "Nope - not you! Everything in that store will NOT fit!"
While I was on video conference with my hubby my one of my bestest friends messaged me. We hadn't talked in a while because life does that, but that doesn't mean squat to our friendship. She is a fellow sleeve patient and as I'm video conferencing with her tiny, skinny little ass she's shoving food into her gob and telling me that she hasn't worked out since the last time I dragged her to the gym with me in AUGUST, when I still lived in Texas with her, and I just wanted to jump through the screen, wring her tiny little neck and yell "THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?!?!!?! YOU! YOU!" but I didn't, because I adore her and none of this is her fault. We talked. And one of the many reasons she's my friend popped out clear as day, she got my out of my slump and into seeing the truth of the matter. And yes, my husband said to me almost the same things she did, but my husband has never been a fat girl dying to fit in (hell, he's never even been a fat boy...and has NEVER EVER WANTED to fit in anywhere LOL), he's never had the surgery, he doesn't understand. Not like she does.
She was able to get to me see a few things. Things that I was too blind in my desperation and frustration to see. Links she's sent me from other groups that I may have gotten (I don't remember, honest!!) but may have not opened because I couldn't bear to look at those groups about advice, options, other people having the same issue I do. She knows I've been struggling. She's been by my side since my 3rd month out, insta best friend since we met. She knows exactly when I stopped losing, she was there showing me other ways to see things. She's been there trying to find answers, researching reasons or diets to try to kick start things again (up my carbs, lower my carbs, up my calories, up my whatever!!!) She may have lost well herself...but she's been in this struggle with me 100% and feels my pain, my frustration, and was the first one to say the words..."Jealous" to me. She gets it. She knows...despite me only having this to be healthy, would it be so friggin' frackin' bad to be a LITTLE skinnier too?!
While talking with her I got to the realization that I do have a lot to be thankful for. No...I may not have lost weight like all these other people have...but I lost weight. 85 pounds of it. I don't have diabetes anymore. A diabetes that was slowly and steadily killing me each day. No vials of insulin to keep cold. Snacks carried in my purse, having to turn around because I ran out of needles, constantly monitoring blood sugars a million times a day. I don't have sleep apnea anymore. I don't to worry about falling asleep in the car (as a passenger) and possibly dying because I stopped breathing. No lugging a HUGE oxygen machine and my CPAP machine around every time I have to go somewhere overnight. I can move again. I have loved sports and working out my ENTIRE life. I even made a career out of it working in Recreation and Aquatics. But before surgery I wouldn't even walk 1/4 mile to the mail box. I wouldn't get the mail until I had to drive that way. It was literally too much for my body to handle. I was winded, my knees would hurt, I would have a headache from the spike in blood pressure. I'm now running miles at a time, I'm working out like I LOVE to, I have energy and feel GOOD! And frankly, I'm more fit than half the "skinny" girls I take classes with! (Skinny does not mean Healthy!!!)
So, because it's Thanksgiving today...I've never been more thankful in my life than I am for being able to be given the opportunity to have this surgery and be able to take my life back and to be there for my friends, family, and children. I am thankful for the people I have met due to the surgery. AMAZING people that were it not for the surgery would have never blessed my life with their presence. I'm thankful that I chose health and I see my children choosing health because of it. They too want to participate in runs, my 5 year old does sit-ups and exercises with me, my 11 year old runs with me, the 5 year old makes healthy choices BECAUSE they are healthy when she's eating. She knows Fries are a sometimes food, but apples are just as yummy and are healthy for her body, so she chooses those instead. These things bring me joy because it means ME getting healthy is ensuring my KIDS will be healthy and be their for their kids in the future. I'm thankful I'm not dependent on chemicals to keep me alive everyday. I'm thankful about how much I've learned about my body, how it moves, how it works, how it processes foods, etc. I'm thankful I can cross my legs or curl up in a chair with a book or squeeze onto a couch with 4 other people when there is limited seating. I'm thankful my hair is starting to grow back, FINALLY. I'm thankful I get to experience life rather than try to keep up with it. I am thankful that when I go to the zoo or on a walk I can keep up with my group instead of them holding back waiting for me to trudge along behind. The list is endless, I can think of so many thing if I sat her long enough. I had to write this post today because of that. Because I NEED to remember...no, you aren't skinny like the other girls who had the surgery...but you are healthy and you are alive and look at all the things you can do now that you could never have done 85 pounds ago.
What I'm not thankful...moving to Ohio from 6 years in Texas right before winter hit and having no wardrobe that fits that is appropriate for cold weather!!!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/sleevingstars - A place for honest support for all bariatric post ops
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
Myth: I get by with a little help from my friends...
Fact: I NEVER would have survived this long if it weren't for the love and support of not JUST my friends but also the strangers in support groups, exercise classes, online groups, etc. that would eventually become my friends, or in the least, supportive cheerleaders!
I know that it has been awhile since my last post. Things got VERY hectic here and it became very stressful for me trying to post about the past while trying to live in the present. So...I've decided to chuck the past. I'll get to it if it pops up. I'm going to focus on the here and now.
So...the here and now. I am now down 85 pounds since surgery on January 2nd. My 9 month "Surgiversary", if you will, was on Oct. 2nd. I would have NEVER gotten this far were it not for the people who have helped uplift and push me along.
I have had a lot of pitfalls. The largest being that I haven't lost a single ounce since 19 weeks. That's NO weight loss in 17 weeks. It's so disheartening. Especially when looking on all of the message boards I'm on seeing all these people losing 100's of pounds and only a few months out. It's worse when you see them boast about "OMG, I'm not even exercising!" or "I eat what I want" or "I'm not even TRYING!" I am trying SOOO hard. I worked out constantly (before moving to Ohio a month ago) and nothing was happening.
I took this question as well as an annoyingly detailed food diary to both my doctor and my nutritionist. I've taken blood tests to check for hormone imbalances, thyroid problems, etc. The consensus. They have NO clue what's going on. I get the "Maybe your body is just done". Uh. NO! My body is NOT done losing after only 19 weeks. I refuse to let that be the case.
I am happy to say that my health is OUTSTANDING! I no longer have diabetes, I'm the only patient my sleep apnea doctor said he's EVER seen beat sleep apnea (especially with just HOW bad mine was), my cholesterol is normal, my blood pressure...well I'm still on meds for that, but I'm a stressed individual LOL. I feel better physically and mentally. I can move, I can keep up with my kids, my life is happier! I'm just terrified that these things will come back since I'm still SOOO close to my start.
With all of this weighing on me it's been my friends who have been there to support and love me. Everyday I look up and see amazingly supportive love notes from my "wife" Jori who posted them secretly when I was just starting my pre-op liquid diet. Her notes inspire me when I want to give up.
Then there is Stacy. She's a gal who is a veteran sleever and I was so blessed to meet her. She's there to tell me to shut up, to measure my ass to show me "hey you may not have lost weight, but look! You've lost inches" or when none of that is happening, she has a new idea to show me how far I've come despite being stuck. She's there to drag to exercise classes and keep me moving and laughing.
Mindy, another sleeve gal who was a few months after me is always there to trade ideas, do crazy things like the pouch test, keep uplifting and pushing, and inspiring.
My husband has always been my biggest cheerleader. Totally against me having this surgery in the beginning has never stopped him from supporting me, loving me, and giving me the boost I need now and again. Even if it's a harsh reminder or a kind word.
My support groups both online and in person are there to vent to, learn new ideas from, and in general find a mind that can understand your battle. Sometimes they can be something that brings you down, but when it's really necessary, they are truly there to lift you up. I even ended up starting my own (because some are just WAAAY to out there and drama ridden that I had to leave) If you are a bariatric patient you are welcome to join us there!! You can find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/660538027375408/ under the name "Sleeving Stars". In person support groups have proved to be the same way...both way over dramatic with annoying people, but also SOOO supportive, uplifting, and a place to keep your brain moving on the right track.
The last group that has kept me moving (and this one, literally!) is all the amazing fitness instructors who have helped kick my ass and help raise my spirits and moved into a group far beyond "fitness instructor" and into "Friend" Tashia, Sacchia, Jamie, and the staff and Iluminate24 in Harker Hts., TX. Walking into my gym and being known by name, their inquires of my well being, their smiles, and especially there "WHERE WERE YOU?!?! Why weren't you at class" really kept me moving! Albeit in a very guilt tripped fashion ;) It's exactly what I need when I'm feeling run down and beat...1 little facebook message to remind me "HEY! Class tonight! You better be there!" put me in a mood to get moving again.
Now I'm here in Ohio and far from all these people who have made this journey successful for me. Now I'm starting over. Now I'm on my own (they are absolutely still here for me in spirit, but now it's me and up to me) I have found a new gym. But still need more motivation to go. I'm eating right...but I've still gained 5 pounds. To cure this, I've signed up for The BadAss Dash. It's a 5k obstacle course that's this weekend. I'm starting to find my team here. A friend from High School has agreed to be there with me and help push me forward and not be scared on my own. They have Team Amy started in Texas and are cheering me on from afar. Next week I start training again, like I should be. I will start finding support groups again. I will not let myself fail.
No one can make this journey alone. If you are pre-op, start building your team now, if you are post off and feel like your floundering, find your team and reach out! This is so much more than just slicing out part of your stomach, eating differently, and exercising. There is so much that goes into the mental factor of it. You have to have love, support, and understanding from those around you. There are going to be days when its time to have that disgusting protein drink and you just can't. That's the day you are going to need people to give you a new recipe, a new idea about how to drink them, or just to tell you "Big girl panty time! Head back, chug!"
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You amazing people in my life are more the reason I have lost 85 pounds than any else! You are in my heart so dearly.
I know that it has been awhile since my last post. Things got VERY hectic here and it became very stressful for me trying to post about the past while trying to live in the present. So...I've decided to chuck the past. I'll get to it if it pops up. I'm going to focus on the here and now.
So...the here and now. I am now down 85 pounds since surgery on January 2nd. My 9 month "Surgiversary", if you will, was on Oct. 2nd. I would have NEVER gotten this far were it not for the people who have helped uplift and push me along.
I have had a lot of pitfalls. The largest being that I haven't lost a single ounce since 19 weeks. That's NO weight loss in 17 weeks. It's so disheartening. Especially when looking on all of the message boards I'm on seeing all these people losing 100's of pounds and only a few months out. It's worse when you see them boast about "OMG, I'm not even exercising!" or "I eat what I want" or "I'm not even TRYING!" I am trying SOOO hard. I worked out constantly (before moving to Ohio a month ago) and nothing was happening.
I took this question as well as an annoyingly detailed food diary to both my doctor and my nutritionist. I've taken blood tests to check for hormone imbalances, thyroid problems, etc. The consensus. They have NO clue what's going on. I get the "Maybe your body is just done". Uh. NO! My body is NOT done losing after only 19 weeks. I refuse to let that be the case.
I am happy to say that my health is OUTSTANDING! I no longer have diabetes, I'm the only patient my sleep apnea doctor said he's EVER seen beat sleep apnea (especially with just HOW bad mine was), my cholesterol is normal, my blood pressure...well I'm still on meds for that, but I'm a stressed individual LOL. I feel better physically and mentally. I can move, I can keep up with my kids, my life is happier! I'm just terrified that these things will come back since I'm still SOOO close to my start.
With all of this weighing on me it's been my friends who have been there to support and love me. Everyday I look up and see amazingly supportive love notes from my "wife" Jori who posted them secretly when I was just starting my pre-op liquid diet. Her notes inspire me when I want to give up.
Then there is Stacy. She's a gal who is a veteran sleever and I was so blessed to meet her. She's there to tell me to shut up, to measure my ass to show me "hey you may not have lost weight, but look! You've lost inches" or when none of that is happening, she has a new idea to show me how far I've come despite being stuck. She's there to drag to exercise classes and keep me moving and laughing.
Mindy, another sleeve gal who was a few months after me is always there to trade ideas, do crazy things like the pouch test, keep uplifting and pushing, and inspiring.
My husband has always been my biggest cheerleader. Totally against me having this surgery in the beginning has never stopped him from supporting me, loving me, and giving me the boost I need now and again. Even if it's a harsh reminder or a kind word.
My support groups both online and in person are there to vent to, learn new ideas from, and in general find a mind that can understand your battle. Sometimes they can be something that brings you down, but when it's really necessary, they are truly there to lift you up. I even ended up starting my own (because some are just WAAAY to out there and drama ridden that I had to leave) If you are a bariatric patient you are welcome to join us there!! You can find us on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/660538027375408/ under the name "Sleeving Stars". In person support groups have proved to be the same way...both way over dramatic with annoying people, but also SOOO supportive, uplifting, and a place to keep your brain moving on the right track.
The last group that has kept me moving (and this one, literally!) is all the amazing fitness instructors who have helped kick my ass and help raise my spirits and moved into a group far beyond "fitness instructor" and into "Friend" Tashia, Sacchia, Jamie, and the staff and Iluminate24 in Harker Hts., TX. Walking into my gym and being known by name, their inquires of my well being, their smiles, and especially there "WHERE WERE YOU?!?! Why weren't you at class" really kept me moving! Albeit in a very guilt tripped fashion ;) It's exactly what I need when I'm feeling run down and beat...1 little facebook message to remind me "HEY! Class tonight! You better be there!" put me in a mood to get moving again.
Now I'm here in Ohio and far from all these people who have made this journey successful for me. Now I'm starting over. Now I'm on my own (they are absolutely still here for me in spirit, but now it's me and up to me) I have found a new gym. But still need more motivation to go. I'm eating right...but I've still gained 5 pounds. To cure this, I've signed up for The BadAss Dash. It's a 5k obstacle course that's this weekend. I'm starting to find my team here. A friend from High School has agreed to be there with me and help push me forward and not be scared on my own. They have Team Amy started in Texas and are cheering me on from afar. Next week I start training again, like I should be. I will start finding support groups again. I will not let myself fail.
No one can make this journey alone. If you are pre-op, start building your team now, if you are post off and feel like your floundering, find your team and reach out! This is so much more than just slicing out part of your stomach, eating differently, and exercising. There is so much that goes into the mental factor of it. You have to have love, support, and understanding from those around you. There are going to be days when its time to have that disgusting protein drink and you just can't. That's the day you are going to need people to give you a new recipe, a new idea about how to drink them, or just to tell you "Big girl panty time! Head back, chug!"
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You amazing people in my life are more the reason I have lost 85 pounds than any else! You are in my heart so dearly.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Breaking News: Doctors usually know what they are talking about.
I got home it felt amazing to be in my own house. I shuffled off into my bed and laid down. YAY! Bliss! Then the cat, who missed me terribly, jumped up on me and started to "knead" my belly like she usually does. This sent me screaming in pain and the cat straight up to the ceiling and then bolting out of the bedroom. Then the 5 year old who missed her Mommy came running in and jumped on me. she to jumped tothe ceiling and ran like the cat. At this point I believe all of the other living creatures in the house realized it'd be a good idea to let the Mama be.
THEN....I had to pee. I couldn't get out of the bed. My abs weren't working because of surgery and the pain so I had to kinda roll out of the bed into my husband's (hopefully) waiting arms and have him help me upright. Luckily, the trust fall worked and he did in fact catch me. (You could have guessed this by the general knowledge that we are still married now...)
I was sent home with liquid Loritab (a liquid hydrocodone), a medication to help coat your stomach (take this, it HONESTLY helps the pain so much), and a stool softener (TAKE THIS!!! it HONESTLY helps you poop so much!). Unfortunately, the doc didn't listen when I told him that hydrocodone doesn't work on me. Zippo. Nada. No effect. I need to be on Percoset. That weekend was so painful. I should have listened and never left the hospital. I regretted every minute of that weekend.
Monday I called and they got me in to see my surgeon right away. I couldn't even walk. I hurt so bad I was in tears by the 5th step. Hubby helped me in and we saw the doc. When I showed him where I hurt he knew EXACTLY what was wrong. This helped things along a bit. There had been a complication with the surgery (that we didn't know about - doc included - until now) he had bumped something causing inflammation, which caused the nerves to be pressed up against, there in causing the pain. Good news - answers. Bad news - nothing he could do but wait it out. Good news - at least I now had pain meds I needed that worked.
Or so I thought....the pain a week later was still unbearable so I went in again to see him. He immediately got me a referral out to pain management to see if they could help. In the mean time, no working out, try to walk as much as I can tolerate, otherwise rest.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Nights in the ICU
The barium swallow test happened on day 2. They give you this cup of disgusting ass stuff that you...the person who is puking everywhere, whose mouth ALREADY feels disgusting, and who just had surgery so you can hardly eat or drink anything...are supposed to drink. Drink ENOUGH to get a good picture. Which is more than you can REALLY ACTUALLY drink. They were kind and patient with me but damn that shit is nasty. I was so weak and in pain at this point I needed help standing to get the pictures, but got them they did. The first thing I did when we got back up to my room in ICU was go back down because they needed 2 more pictures. SERIOUSLY!?!?
Finally, I passed the swallow and the first thing I did after it was confirmed without a doubt I didn't need to swallow that stuff again was brush my teeth and swish my mouth out. The Doc walked in on me and said I was the first person he'd ever seen to put "brush their teeth" as a priority at this point. I just don't think he has ever paid much attention. If you had that horrible cotton mouth and THEN had to swallow that barium, trust me, you'd be brushing your teeth too!
The pain was still unbearable. I was put on the liquid diet and the crystal light was a blessing!!! You don't drink much of it though and I was still exhausted and reeling from the pain. A lot of people are up moving and dancing around by Day 2 and on their way home. They are posting on facebook and talking coherently. This was NOT me. (Once again I say...EVERYONE's experience is soooo unique and different, this is only mine because this is the only one I personally went through ;) ) I attempted one facebook post and reading it back later it made NO sense.
It read :
As you can see I started to fall asleep about half way through the post LOL.
The gas bubbles I mentioned...they are HORRIBLE. It's all the gas they pumped in your body during the surgery working themselves out and it is NOT comfortable. They really encourage you to walk, walk, walk, walk, and then walk some more! It helps start getting you moving and feeling better, and it also helps work the gas out...and it does work at getting the gas out. Out all ends.
Every time that I woke up the first thing I did was hit my nurse button, hit my pain button, pee, walk. That way I could get my required laps in so they would let me leave. If only I could get the pain under control. The plus to walking, like I said, was helping move the gas bubbles out which REALLY helps!!
This continued on and on, day and night until the 4th. (2 days later) I was still in SOOOO much pain but I was getting to the point of some bad depression because I missed my family, the bed was uncomfortable, hospital "liquids" are just as bad as hospital food, and I was sick of peeing on a chair in the corner of the ICU. The doctors were all STAUNCHLY opposed to me going home because of my pain level, but it got to the general conclusion it was that or I was going to stab someone and I promised to be in contact and come to the ER right away in case anything happened.
Finally, I passed the swallow and the first thing I did after it was confirmed without a doubt I didn't need to swallow that stuff again was brush my teeth and swish my mouth out. The Doc walked in on me and said I was the first person he'd ever seen to put "brush their teeth" as a priority at this point. I just don't think he has ever paid much attention. If you had that horrible cotton mouth and THEN had to swallow that barium, trust me, you'd be brushing your teeth too!
The pain was still unbearable. I was put on the liquid diet and the crystal light was a blessing!!! You don't drink much of it though and I was still exhausted and reeling from the pain. A lot of people are up moving and dancing around by Day 2 and on their way home. They are posting on facebook and talking coherently. This was NOT me. (Once again I say...EVERYONE's experience is soooo unique and different, this is only mine because this is the only one I personally went through ;) ) I attempted one facebook post and reading it back later it made NO sense.
It read :
"I'm so fucking miserable. I can't get the pain and naseaous under control my mouth feels like the sahara and I'm still locked away in the icu. I'm doing what I can. I'm pushing ,yself to walk as much as I can but it is making it worse. The gas bubbles are so painful. I'm prauing in the end hst it istruly worth all thismiery"
As you can see I started to fall asleep about half way through the post LOL.
The gas bubbles I mentioned...they are HORRIBLE. It's all the gas they pumped in your body during the surgery working themselves out and it is NOT comfortable. They really encourage you to walk, walk, walk, walk, and then walk some more! It helps start getting you moving and feeling better, and it also helps work the gas out...and it does work at getting the gas out. Out all ends.
Every time that I woke up the first thing I did was hit my nurse button, hit my pain button, pee, walk. That way I could get my required laps in so they would let me leave. If only I could get the pain under control. The plus to walking, like I said, was helping move the gas bubbles out which REALLY helps!!
This continued on and on, day and night until the 4th. (2 days later) I was still in SOOOO much pain but I was getting to the point of some bad depression because I missed my family, the bed was uncomfortable, hospital "liquids" are just as bad as hospital food, and I was sick of peeing on a chair in the corner of the ICU. The doctors were all STAUNCHLY opposed to me going home because of my pain level, but it got to the general conclusion it was that or I was going to stab someone and I promised to be in contact and come to the ER right away in case anything happened.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Slicin' and Pukein'
I don't remember anything during the surgery...which is a damn good thing since I'm not supposed to and all. My husband will have to fill in all the details on length of surgery, recovery, etc. It'll be a while for that since he's in Korea right now without internet.
I woke up and the first thing I remember thinking was "Is it done? Did he really do the surgery? Is my stomach really smaller?" For some reason I had a hard time really believing the surgery was done.
I was in SOOO much pain and I was so nauseous. All I did in the beginning (or at least all I remember doing) was puking...constantly, and sleeping until I had to puke again or my pain meds wore off. It was seriously some of the worst pain ever. They put me on Phenergan which helps the puking, but it makes me so sleepy. The second biggest problem was my blood oxygen levels kept dropping so they were putting me on oxygen. It was because of this that I was placed immediately into the ICU. It wasn't until I was slightly coherent that I was able to yell (hahaha, hardly...my husband yelled, I mumbled at him in a frustrated voice and fell back asleep) at them about not putting me on my CPAP and oxygen when I was in recovery like my pulmonologist and I told them was necessary, a million times, and even face then my cpap before going into the room. Amazingly, once my CPAP was in place I didn't have O2 problems! Wow! Go Army!
The other problem I had that was the most annoying and aggravating thing possible was the dry mouth. This was only made worse by the snoring and the stopping breathing because I was not on the CPAP. If there was EVER motivation for me to get out of that bed and strangle someone it was due to them not letting me just swish my mouth out. It was misery. One nurse gave me this disgusting thing to suck on (God it was nasty) that was supposed to help, but it just made me throw up more. The night nurse was kind enough to give me a glass of ice (under the STRICT supervision and possession of my husband) and a little sponge thing on a stick so I could kind of scrub it around my mouth so it wasn't SO nasty in there. The reason they don't want you drinking is they need to wait for you Barium Swallow test in order to ensure that there are no leaks and everything is going down the right way. I understood completely, but honest!!! I would have just swished and spit!!! I wasn't thirsty, I was just miserable with the dry mouth!!
The pain was excruciating for me. I hit my button every chance I got and they ended up having to give me shots of Dilaudid intermittently in order to help control the pain. All I did the first week or so was regret EVER going through with the surgery. When I was coherent I just remember thinking, "Is there anyway for them to put it back?!" "Why did I do this" "This was the worst decision ever" "What was I ever thinking!?" "BLECH" (that was me puking all over the poor night nurse...I think I ended up giving him a bit of PTSD, the second night he came on shift he walked into my already armed with Phenergan, a puke bucket, and a change of clothes and sheets. Poor Captain Nurse :( )
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Preparations commence
I had taken pictures the night before surgery and measurements of my body to help me recognize the loss. It really helps. Sometimes the scale doesn't move...but your pants button does. Sometimes neither move, but you'd sure as hell be surprised to see the numbers of how much your neck shrunk. This is me the morning of surgery.
January 2, 2014 - Time to slice!
I arrived at the hospital early in the morning, I was to be the first surgery of the day. I was so nervous! I had a lot of love and support, but hubster still did NOT want me to have the surgery. He was so worried about the side effects, he was fearful of me going under the knife, he just didn't want anything bad to happen to me. The thing was, although he was going through all my illnesses along side me and they drastically affected his life (I can't even tell you how many times "forgetting my insulin" or "SHIT!!! LOW SUGAR!!!" happened) the fact of the matter is...HE wasn't giving himself 5 (or more) shots a day, he wasn't doing the balancing and maintaining, he wasn't sleeping with a mask on his face and a huge oxygen machine (he just had to lug it around.) I'm lucky to have my amazing hubby...despite how he felt, he knew how bad *I* wanted this. He came to every meeting I asked him to be at, he researched info and talked to people with me, and like always, he was there by myself holding my hand and supporting me. Support is HUGE. FIND IT!!! No matter where you may find it...you are GOING to need it!!! Oh, and something I forgot in the last post...do NOT flip out after a bathroom visit if you've eaten nothing but red JELLO and liquids for a few days like I did. Hubby was NOT supportive of that LMAO. In fact I think the conversation went a little like this :
Me: RICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!! COME HERE!!!!!!!
(Rick rushes into the potty room)
Rick: What's wrong, what can I do?
Me: I'm bleeding!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!
Rick: Uh...No. That's where I draw the line. (turns to walk away)
Me: SERIOUSLY!! I could be dying!!!
(Rick rolls his eyes and keeps walking away abandoning me to pass into my eternal sleep ALL ALONE!!! - JERK!)
(Aidan walks by in the hallway)
Aidan: Mom, can I have some of this JELLO?
Me: NO!! I can only eat certain things and you will NOT be stealing one of the ONLY things I CAN eat...and raspberry JELLO is my favorite flavor!
Rick: (quizzical look) How much of that have you eaten today?
Me: 2 boxes, why?................................................................................................Oh.......
(Rick walks away shaking is head and muttering under his breath about what he got into when he married me and giving him ulcers or something....to be fair, BOTH my parents warned him!)
So we get to the hospital. My nerves vanished as soon as I walked in the door. The nurse who walked up to the desk was a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a long while! We met because our boys were in cub scouts together for a few years. Seeing her made everything so very much easier! I got to focus on catching up with her rather than what I was about to do.
Rick and I were shoved into a storage room for broken medical equipment (Go Army!) where I could change and sit around for a bit waiting for everything to get prepared. There were a few others there also having WLS surgery. (Word of advice, when heading to surgery - ANY surgery - do NOT take it as a chance to have a family reunion!! It's annoying to everyone involved. Bring your 1 special person and leave the rest to visit later. One woman brought damn near 14 people with her!! The nurse that led us to the elevators to the OR was seriously frustrated, and it was disrespectful to all of us going up...it's rather a kinda private moment when you are in a gown, ass on display to the world, nerves shot about to go under the knife)
Storage Rooms are Cool!
We arrived up to the Operating Room floor. You want to talk about chaos...this was it. They were in the middle of a training, it was the first day back after Christmas and New Year holiday after all, but still...it did NOT help my anxiety any to have 60 people gathered around in one small room, lots of noise, lots of in and out and all around...I was not doing well at this point.
They got in settled into a corner and drew the curtain. Way no bueno. There were 5 other people having surgery that morning. If you'd have asked I could tell you all of their names, date of birth, and what they were there for. So not practicing of patients privacy. It really pissed me off. The nurse who was going to be with me was an absolute peach. Her name was Stacey and she did SO much to calm me down!
Eventually, I had seen the happy juice doc, my surgeon, and the doc who would be assisting. It was time to go...
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Okay, NOW it begins...
December 25, 2013 - My last day of eating like a normal person. Worse...my last day of Diet Coke ever. This is a big fucking deal. I was a diet coke ADDICT. Looking back, it actually is really shameful to see just HOW bad I was chained to the can. I had my last can at about 11pm. ALMOST had juuuust one more, but everyone yelled at me to just give it a rest already. Stupid people. Harumph.
December 26, 2013 - Day 1 of HELL. I mean the Liquid Diet. I was to be in Hel---on a Liquid Diet for 1 week. I got a bit lucky over that because depending on the facility, it could have been worse. Every Doctor and Hospital is different. I was allowed Jello, sugar free popsicles, Broth, Water, Protein Drinks, and Sugar Free things (like Crystal light) Oh...not bad you say? Nu-uh. Not ONLY was it an all liquid diet, but I HAD to eat 70g of protein a day AND wasn't allowed to eat more than 45 carbs a day. (Typically, it's 35 carbs, but because of the severity of my diabetes they gave me 10 more a day...whoopie - yes that's sarcasm) You'd be surprised how carb heavy food is, even if you don't think it is. Take a look at your nutrition labels sometime, you'll see what I mean. Even healthy things, like my protein shakes for example, can be packed with carbs if you pick the wrong ones!! Carbs = no bueno.
I started off with a bang. I was dedicated. I was determined. I did EVERYTHING right. Then, that afternoon I went to my psychologist appt. Half way through the appt I noticed my speech start slurring, things were getting dizzy, I was confused, and it was very clammy. I stood up to leave and ran into the walls and was walking like I was drunk. I got to the reception desk as fast as I could and she looked up at me with an odd face. I just blurted out..."diabetic!! low blood sugar!!!". She sprang into action throwing every piece of sugar she and her fellow receptionist had behind the desk until my head stopped spinning. I sat for a bit until I knew I could walk straight and then I slowly walked to the car and got out my meter. My sugars (after the new trick or treat hack I just found) were at 17. I drove (which I probably shouldn't have at that point) to the nearest food place right around the corner and had a kids meal. I had no other choice, I was already feeling dizzy and woozy and confused again. I was terrified I was going to pass out, and I was out all alone.
I immediately changed my insulin routine and checked my blood sugar every half hour to be sure. I also cheated a bit and went ahead and had regular jello instead of sugar free just to make sure I would be balanced through the night.
December 27, 2013 - The morning of all my pre-op stuffs and meeting with my surgeon. (Day 2 of liquids aka "The day my husband started wishing he was under 48" So he wouldn't be forced to ride the oncoming emotional rollercoaster.")
I was so embarrassed. My husband dropped me off while he parked and I had to stop 3 times to rest before even making it to the front door. I knew I was out of shape, but Jesus, this was ridiculous! I want THIS out of shape! It took me almost 20 minutes to walk from the car to the general surgery clinic. I felt so exhausted and weak. I would lose my breath, get dizzy and weak and would had to stop. To put it in perspective, it usually takes me about 5ish minutes to make that walk.
The first thing, sit back and wait for my husband and my surgeon to stop gossiping about sci-fi/fantasy novels. (to be fair...it was really cute) After they got that out of their system, I brought up the terrifying incident from the day before. He approved me for slightly more carbs and also permitted me to eat, in VERY small doses, a certain particular bread, but I wasnt to go over a certain amount a day and I ONLY have this one particular bread. Essentially, it would help balance the sugars a bit, but did NOTHING for the raw, excruciating hunger coursing through my body. (PLEASE NOTE: if you are reading this because you are considering or about to have surgery ...every case is unique and every doctor is different!!! Please ONLY follow the guidelines put forth to you by YOUR Doctor and clinic!! It's essential for your safety to do exactly as they say!!)
The second thing I asked about was the weakness. He gave me a look that could ONLY have meant,"SERIOUSLY?! Are you a moron?!" His actual response to me was,"Uh, yeah. What did you expect! You haven't eaten in 2 days. Your body is hungry!"
Reassured that I seriously didn't get out of shape overnight, we headed to the supermarket to pick up some things for me to "eat" that week. This is where things got ugly. While walking down the milk aisle I see the most yummiest, glorious chocolate milk made..Promised Land. I don't know if it's a Texas thing or a southern thing or what. What I DO know is I've never seen it in Ohio and it's like liquid heaven mixed with rainbows mixed with unicorn magic. I passed it by but it just kept calling my name in a way a suffering woman just can't ignore. I went back and got a small one serving bottle of the low fat kind, rather than the glorious midnight chocolate melted milkshake kind I really wanted. Rick approached. I showed him and told him I got it and I had to have it. He was so sweet and just asked if that was the right choice. This is where it gets ugly folks. I have NEVER heard this sound come out of me before and I've birthed 2 children and have chronic pain problems. I growled at him. Litterally. A growl. A growl from the bottom of the depths of my soul. I sounded like a starving lion having a hunk of steak torn away from him. It was such a unconscious reaction. He threw the milk down, threw his hands up and I got a "chocolate milk. Check. In the cart." Then I broke down into a huge sobbing, snotty cry fest in the corner of the milk aisle in his arms. My hormones were going nuts, my mind was lost, this was so new, I was so weak and tired, and good damn it..I was fucking STARVING! Thank god for having The Best Husband Ever. He just held me, talked me down and comforted me. Home we went. I chugged that chocolate milk in 2 seconds flat.
The rest of the week was hard. You are hungry. People would tell me "Oh, after the 3rd day it gets better and you don't feel hunger pains anymore." They were kind and trying to help, but they were full of shit as far as I was concerned. I had hunger pains up until about day 7 of 7. I found the worst part was I was so sick of sweet. Protein drinks, crystal light, jello, etc...its all sweet. My saving grace came on day 5 when my mom made me a bowl of Lipton soup and just strained the noodles out. I FELT like I was eating, at least mentally. Hello also helped because I felt like I could chew which tricks the mind a bit.
Yum! Jello!
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Hurry up...
...and wait.
It was time to employ an army spouses greatest, but most loathed (and practiced) skill. Waiting.
I called twice in the first week, then once the next. I was starting to lose hope after she said to me "oh. You're the girl who went above me and demanded to speak to the surgeon." She should have been happy I didn't go above her and talk to patient advocacy, in my opinion.
We were about to leave for Disney and Bella was still having on and off again fevers and was pretty sick (by this point she had missed almost all of school in November and December), and I was about to have my left hand carpal tunnel surgery done. I just left it to fate, I had way too much on my plate at this point.
Then one morning I woke up to a polka dotted Bella with another high fever. Called the appointment line and once again, yay tri care, no appointments for almost 3 weeks. I was told "Take her to the ER if you can't wait that long." Wonder why our ER wait times are so long...hmm So that's just what I did.
We were in the Er about 8 hours when finally they came racing in to tell me to get her ready, they were transporting her for admittance at the local children's hospital. Words no parent wants to hear.
She spent 4 days there where they ran every test under the sun to try to figure out what she had. In the end, it was mono. We signed out there and took me immediately to hand surgery.
My parents came down to help and it was wonderful to have them around. The kids were so upset about missing the Disney trip, but there was no way for Bella to make it. She was still spiking fevers constantly and just slept all the time. She would have been cranky and would have missed the whole adventure. Having my parents show up perked up their mood a bit.
Still no phone call.
Then, on Christmas Adam (the 23rd, the day before Christmas Eve for those not in the know) my mom and I were going around Hobby Lobby and it came. A slot opened up. If I wanted it, my surgery would be on Jan 2. Certainly a great way to spend the new year. Pre-op diet would start on the 26th.
Finally, my time had come!!!
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Living up to my family name.
Alrighty then, second half here we come...
So, if you've ever had the blessing of meeting ANY female on my Dad's side of the family you'll just nod your head with full understanding. If you haven't, there are a few things you should know...1) we are a matriarchal family 2) you don't tell us no when we really want something and NOT expect a wickedly ugly fight ahead of you 3) we are stubborn beyond all reason. (I get that from my Daddy-o too...in fact I get all of that from him too lol...) So in other words, I have 3 (or more) generations of stubborn, will NOT take no for an answer, my way out the highway, coursing through my veins (you can imagine how fun Christmas dinner can be lmao) so we'll say I had a little boost of May Kay and Joanna Grace rearing up inside. Poor head nurse.
I called her back after speaking to Walter Reed and asked to speak to the surgeon personally. I explained to her I was approved by not JUST the psych eval but also my psych doctors! She couldn't give two shits. She fed me some line about policy (I had already called and verified that this was NOT in fact hospital policy) I countered with this, she stumbled. She countered with the surgeon was going on leave and would not be back until the Monday after Thanksgiving. She would talk to him when he returned and would SEE if he would sit down and talk with me. I thanked her sweetly (you catch more bees with honey after all) and I was nothing but sweet and demure (shut it people who know me..I CAN be demure..asses!) throughout our entire exchange the last few days. She told me to call her the week after Thanksgiving to remind her.
So the day came...Nov 25th.
I was taking NO chances. I gathered my evidence for the last 6 years proving that I have consistently, without lapse, been both in psychiatric and psychological (sometimes by 2 different docs at one time -marriage counseling, you can never have too much when it's free- in addition to personal counseling) as well as proof from the pharmacy that I refill all my meds consistently, and a note from all my psychs personally stating that I am consistent in care, responsible, and always call for med changes and make consistent appts, etc. I grabbed my Nook, a bottle of water and prepared to hunker down for the long haul. I was parking my ass in the general surgery clinic until I got at least an appt to talk to the surgeon. You might not return my calls, but you can't ignore my smiling face :)
I arrived right as the clinic opened at 8:30. When my number was called, I let them know my situation and who I was there to see. They had the head nurse come out. I was told that they were short staffed, and she wouldn't have a chance to talk him until later. She would call me. I smiled and gave her a huge thank you. Then, I told her not to stress about calling. I would come up in the afternoon when things died down to save her the stress. I walked out of the office at about 9:40.
About 10-15 minutes later, I got a phone call. The surgeon could get me in at 10:00, but I'd have to be there AT 10 because he didn't have a lot of time. I assured her I would be on time. She was shocked and reminded me that I'd have to be on time or else he couldn't see me. I walked in the office 5 min early. I have a sneaking suspicion that she was doing it to try and appease me by getting me the appointment, but she was thinking I'd never make it on time so I wouldn't be seen. Don't mess with me woman.
The doctor came in and sat down. He looked over my file, looked up, and said, "Are you going to yell at me?" I looked at him confusedly. He answered, "Your psych eval says you are quick to anger. Are you going to yell at me?" I lightened up immediately! I smiled and answered, "Are you going to cut me open?" We made a pact: if he cut me open, I would agree not to yell at him.
We called the nurse to schedule the surgery. The problem was that the only date available I couldn't do because of my trip to Disney World. I wouldn't be able to go to my 2 week follow up, so it was a no-go.
I decided to go ahead and take the first available surgery in January. She would call me as soon as the calendar came out and they had an open date available. I won! Health, here I come!!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Bumps in the Road
So with my surgery scheduled for mid-November I was excited and ready to go. I continued support group meetings, kept up with research, and just kept talking to people to prepare myself.
Then one day I got a phone call from the head nurse of surgery. They had to cancel on the original date and reschedule it for the 26th of November. I was concerned because I was supposed to go on a family vacation to Disney in mid December and I didn't want to have that interrupted (it was in the works for a long time). I was assured by both the surgery team and my support group that that far along after surgery I would feel fine traveling. So, okay, no worries.
About 3 days after that I get a phone call again from the head nurse. She informed me that upon review of my psych evaluation that I had bi-polar disorder (SHOCK! WHAT?!?!? *eyeroll*) I informed her that I was aware, I was diagnosed with it more than half my life ago at 14 or 15 and had been under treatment since and am well managed and my psychiatrist approved of the surgery and felt I was going to do great with it. She pretty much gave me a "tough shit" and I was denied surgery. My options were to go off post and have the bypass or the lap band or try to get Walter Reed Medical Center, 2 hours away in San Antonio, to perform the surgery.
My first reaction was to throw shit around the house and scream bloody murder at the phone. Then I got on the phone to Walter Reed and talked to their surgery center. I was told if I wanted the surgery there I had to begin the entire process over again from the very beginning with getting a referral from one of THEIR doctors, then the seminar THERE, etc. etc. Which meant driving to San Antonio back and forth being a one car family. She said that even then, there was no guarantee THEIR psychologist would approve me OR their medical team would then approve me because of the bi-polar.
I was so defeated. It always seems as if I'm judged because of this thing I have no control over. I was born with it. It's a chemical imbalance, I can't stop me from being bi-polar anymore than someone with freckles can stop having freckles. I have faithfully been in treatment for my disorder. Especially so over the last 6 years. I have seen 1-2 psychologists at a time at the very least once a month. I have been on medication consistently for 6 years, always keeping all appointments and always calling when they started to seem off and needed adjusted.
Then one day I got a phone call from the head nurse of surgery. They had to cancel on the original date and reschedule it for the 26th of November. I was concerned because I was supposed to go on a family vacation to Disney in mid December and I didn't want to have that interrupted (it was in the works for a long time). I was assured by both the surgery team and my support group that that far along after surgery I would feel fine traveling. So, okay, no worries.
About 3 days after that I get a phone call again from the head nurse. She informed me that upon review of my psych evaluation that I had bi-polar disorder (SHOCK! WHAT?!?!? *eyeroll*) I informed her that I was aware, I was diagnosed with it more than half my life ago at 14 or 15 and had been under treatment since and am well managed and my psychiatrist approved of the surgery and felt I was going to do great with it. She pretty much gave me a "tough shit" and I was denied surgery. My options were to go off post and have the bypass or the lap band or try to get Walter Reed Medical Center, 2 hours away in San Antonio, to perform the surgery.
My first reaction was to throw shit around the house and scream bloody murder at the phone. Then I got on the phone to Walter Reed and talked to their surgery center. I was told if I wanted the surgery there I had to begin the entire process over again from the very beginning with getting a referral from one of THEIR doctors, then the seminar THERE, etc. etc. Which meant driving to San Antonio back and forth being a one car family. She said that even then, there was no guarantee THEIR psychologist would approve me OR their medical team would then approve me because of the bi-polar.
I was so defeated. It always seems as if I'm judged because of this thing I have no control over. I was born with it. It's a chemical imbalance, I can't stop me from being bi-polar anymore than someone with freckles can stop having freckles. I have faithfully been in treatment for my disorder. Especially so over the last 6 years. I have seen 1-2 psychologists at a time at the very least once a month. I have been on medication consistently for 6 years, always keeping all appointments and always calling when they started to seem off and needed adjusted.
Approvals
So the process of being approved for surgery through my insurance is an extensive one. (As it SHOULD be...this is fucking serious surgery!) The steps required here are to go through an afternoon long seminar where you are able to speak to the nutritionist, surgeon, nurse, etc. You find out about each of the 3 surgeries available. What is involved in each surgery, how your body will change, what changes you need to make in lifestyle, what is required for you to be eligible for surgery, what to expect, and they can answer any questions you may have about the surgeries. To be approved you also have to then pass a psychological evaluation and attend 2 support group meetings.
My seminar was supposed to be in August of 2013, but was pushed back until September. So in the beginning of September I attended my seminar. I had attended this back 3 years ago, so I had already decided which of the 3 surgeries I needed to have. 3 are available. 2, the Lap-Band and the Roux-En-Y,
are approved by my insurance (Tri-Care). 1, the Gastric Sleeve, is not. However, they are willing to do it here on post, so you are able to still have the procedure done if approved. I had to have Gastric Sleeve done due to my Bi-Polar disorder. With the sleeve the surgeon goes in and cuts off 2/3 of your stomach leaving a small sleeve of stomach left to digest food. Because of this, it still leaves part of my stomach for my psych meds to enter, digest, and work it's way through my blood stream. The Roux-En-Y (commonly known as your standard Gastric ByPass) bypasses the stomach completely and re-routes just past it so it leaves nowhere for food (or meds) to digest long enough for my meds. The Lap Band puts the band around the tube leading to the entrance of the stomach. This too does not allow the meds to get to my stomach for digestion.
I will say this. The approval process is anxiety inducing and so terribly nerve wracking! It's an emotional roller coaster, but if you go through and have the surgery your whole life is going to be shoved into an upheaval, you may as well start getting used to it now.
My psych eval was scheduled for mid-September. I had already had that appointment made when they called me for the seminar in August. They tear you apart. Okay, MY Doctor tore me apart. I wish all of them did this for patients, I've met a few who maybe shouldn't have been approved that were because Doctors weren't so hard in their psych evals. It consisted of 3 separate appointments. One to meet and talk about why I wanted the surgery, my knowledge of the surgery and the changes it would cause in my life (no, not the weight changes), he talked to me for probably a good hour and a half with a constant barrage of questions. I left in tears thinking there was no way I was ever going to be approved. (The Bi-Polar is a huge issue with this surgery, in fact ANY mental illness is...hence the psych eval) The second appointment came a few weeks later. I spent 3 or 4 hours in a little room answering questions on a computer until I couldn't remember which way was up or if I really played kick the can as a kid or that was a dream or what the hell IS kick the can anyway? The third appointment was a few weeks after that in mid-October.
I was so sick with anxiety that day. I was so nervous whether or not I was going to be approved. I went into his office and he basically went through my whole entire computer session asking me more questions, asking for clarification, telling me things about myself that I already knew. I can imagine for a lot of people this is a very either angry or eye opening experience. A lot of people aren't blessed with the situation I am in. I know, I know...bi-polar disorder is NOT a blessing. In this case it is though. I have been blessed in the fact that I have been in therapy for so long that I am able to take good, honest looks at myself and really see who I really am. Faults and all. He told me nothing I didn't already know about myself or that, had he just asked, I could have told him that first day. But for people who aren't in therapy for more than half their lives some of the findings can be shocking. Some people are NOT going to like to hear the things that the test reveals, despite the fact that they are true! LOL In the end though I was approved. Big red check of approval and the evaluation was going to be sent to my hospital and surgery team for their records.
The next day was another support group meeting and I was so excited to go in and tell everyone the good news. Immediately after group I high tailed my butt up to the surgery clinic to make sure the report was faxed and to let the head nurse know that I was a go. All boxes checked, all set and ready to slice! I ended up arriving at the same time as another gal and we talked to the nurse together and she actually just ended up scheduling our surgeries on the spot! She said she'd call to confirm when she got the evals but as long as that got to her inbox my surgery was scheduled for mid-November.
My seminar was supposed to be in August of 2013, but was pushed back until September. So in the beginning of September I attended my seminar. I had attended this back 3 years ago, so I had already decided which of the 3 surgeries I needed to have. 3 are available. 2, the Lap-Band and the Roux-En-Y,
are approved by my insurance (Tri-Care). 1, the Gastric Sleeve, is not. However, they are willing to do it here on post, so you are able to still have the procedure done if approved. I had to have Gastric Sleeve done due to my Bi-Polar disorder. With the sleeve the surgeon goes in and cuts off 2/3 of your stomach leaving a small sleeve of stomach left to digest food. Because of this, it still leaves part of my stomach for my psych meds to enter, digest, and work it's way through my blood stream. The Roux-En-Y (commonly known as your standard Gastric ByPass) bypasses the stomach completely and re-routes just past it so it leaves nowhere for food (or meds) to digest long enough for my meds. The Lap Band puts the band around the tube leading to the entrance of the stomach. This too does not allow the meds to get to my stomach for digestion.
I will say this. The approval process is anxiety inducing and so terribly nerve wracking! It's an emotional roller coaster, but if you go through and have the surgery your whole life is going to be shoved into an upheaval, you may as well start getting used to it now.
My psych eval was scheduled for mid-September. I had already had that appointment made when they called me for the seminar in August. They tear you apart. Okay, MY Doctor tore me apart. I wish all of them did this for patients, I've met a few who maybe shouldn't have been approved that were because Doctors weren't so hard in their psych evals. It consisted of 3 separate appointments. One to meet and talk about why I wanted the surgery, my knowledge of the surgery and the changes it would cause in my life (no, not the weight changes), he talked to me for probably a good hour and a half with a constant barrage of questions. I left in tears thinking there was no way I was ever going to be approved. (The Bi-Polar is a huge issue with this surgery, in fact ANY mental illness is...hence the psych eval) The second appointment came a few weeks later. I spent 3 or 4 hours in a little room answering questions on a computer until I couldn't remember which way was up or if I really played kick the can as a kid or that was a dream or what the hell IS kick the can anyway? The third appointment was a few weeks after that in mid-October.
I was so sick with anxiety that day. I was so nervous whether or not I was going to be approved. I went into his office and he basically went through my whole entire computer session asking me more questions, asking for clarification, telling me things about myself that I already knew. I can imagine for a lot of people this is a very either angry or eye opening experience. A lot of people aren't blessed with the situation I am in. I know, I know...bi-polar disorder is NOT a blessing. In this case it is though. I have been blessed in the fact that I have been in therapy for so long that I am able to take good, honest looks at myself and really see who I really am. Faults and all. He told me nothing I didn't already know about myself or that, had he just asked, I could have told him that first day. But for people who aren't in therapy for more than half their lives some of the findings can be shocking. Some people are NOT going to like to hear the things that the test reveals, despite the fact that they are true! LOL In the end though I was approved. Big red check of approval and the evaluation was going to be sent to my hospital and surgery team for their records.
The next day was another support group meeting and I was so excited to go in and tell everyone the good news. Immediately after group I high tailed my butt up to the surgery clinic to make sure the report was faxed and to let the head nurse know that I was a go. All boxes checked, all set and ready to slice! I ended up arriving at the same time as another gal and we talked to the nurse together and she actually just ended up scheduling our surgeries on the spot! She said she'd call to confirm when she got the evals but as long as that got to her inbox my surgery was scheduled for mid-November.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
It Begins!
Why the HELL does the hardest part of starting to write a blog have to finding a name for it! THEN, finding a NEW name for it that hasn't already been taken?! Makes me miss the 90's when no one used the internet so screen names were a dime a dozen.
More to the point now...and I will warn you, this blog is VERY personal so I don't give 2 shits about your opinions if they are ANY way negative whatsoever. You can just shove your big toe in your mouth and kinda schwadle away, or something.
About 3 years ago I reached a point in my life where my health was rapidly declining. I was diagnosed, officially, with Type 2 diabetes when I was pregnant with Bella (yes Type 2, not gestational. I was gestational with Aidan, however.) and I had been on a VERY high dose of several different diabetes medications, both oral and injected. I was also on meds for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I was gaining weight rapidly since they had put me on the short acting insulin before each meal and by that time had almost gained 30 pounds in a matter of 10 months.
The doctors had all talked, and I had talked with all the other of my doctors and I was told unanimously that the insulin was going to make it damn near impossible to lose significant weight to make a difference on my health. It was a vicious circle. Insulin helped my blood sugars, packed on pounds, made blood pressure and cholesterol higher to control, made it harder to move around on my joints, gave me a lot of muscle problems, etc. I would lose a few pounds, but it was so hard with the insulin. (Just for reference, I had to take between 40-150 units of novolog before each meal) (it's a LOT...trust me). They all recommended that if I wanted to lose weight, I should look into Surgical options.
I decided I would do some research. I joined a few groups online, I went to the seminar, spent months attending the support group meetings (2x month), talked in person to upwards of 20-30 people I knew in my life who had gone through one form of the surgery or another, etc. In the end I decided it wasn't for me. It wasn't my time. I didn't want to go through the trauma and risk of surgery when things weren't guaranteed to fix anything. I was fine being fat. My husband loved me. My kids loved me. I loved me. And most of all my medications were working at controlling the problems at hand, despite the side effects.
Fast forward to March 2013. Life hit a road block. The sleeping trouble I was having hit a major bump. Although, I don't know if "sleeping trouble" is the right way to put it. I had NO TROUBLE sleeping. In fact, I slept all the time. In FACT, I couldn't stay awake...and that is where the trouble was. It had been slowly getting worse and worse over the last few years. Started with just needed more sleep than the average bear. Then "Don't wake Mama before her 12 hours!" (yes, 12). Then no driving at night because I'd fall asleep. Then No driving at night and NEEDED a nap every afternoon. Etc. It had progressed to a point where I would just, BAM! Asleep. Mid conversation, mid driving, mid phone call, mid WWE wrestling match on free beer night, didn't matter. I feel so bad for my friends and family during this stage. I promise STILL guys...none of you were boring me!!! And I thank you ALL for your kindness, understanding, and love when I was going through this stage of life!!!! I would deny falling asleep...after all, I was still even participating in conversations and knew what they were saying sometimes! But they promised, I was snoring away. 5 hour energy drinks weren't working, Starbucks wasn't working, nothing. So I went in to the Doctor and she got me a sleep study done right away.
The sleep study was done in March and it was scary. The nurse was very kind, but still, someone watching you sleep is awkward, to say the least. She got me hooked up and let me know that rarely do they do anything with CPAP masks or anything during the study unless someone is REALLY bad off after a good 5-6 hour study without it first so they could collect enough data to support it, usually that would be done at another study if the Doctor feels it's necessary to go on CPAP. She wished me good night, assured me she wasn't going to be watching me all night ( LOL ) and let me snuggle in for the night. Or...2 hours. Because that's when she woke me up. 2 hours later. She rushed in terrified. The sleep study showed that I stop breathing more than 50 times an hour. It also showed that when I fall asleep my Oxygen levels drop to below 60%. She told me she was too afraid to let me continue without CPAP and put me on it immediately. That next morning was the most glorious morning of all my life! I had NEVER felt so refreshed and rejuvenated! (They say that night was the first night I had actually SLEPT in more than about 2 years. I was never actually falling asleep...just unconscious!)
The next week (they upped the appt to an earlier date than originally scheduled) I went in to talk to the Doctor about my results. He walked in, picked up my chart and his jaw hit the floor. He never even got in a "Hello". The first words that came out of his mouth were "How are you still alive?!" and he wasn't being funny. I had never been so terrified in my life. He asked me my health history and I was told, at 32, that he was very suspect about the fact that I had never had a heart attack and wanted to verify that that was true. Not "I want to check your heart", but that he didn't believe that I hadn't had a heart attack yet, I must have just not KNOWN I had one.
I had my heart test and I'm free and clear! No heart attacks, heart is healthy and good! But I suck at the multi-tasking job of breathing while I sleep.
This was the moment that stopped time and changed my life forever.
I went in to my PCM and immediately had her put in that referral for Bariatric Surgery (WLS - or Weight Loss Surgery). My dance card was full. It was time to clear it off.
By this point I was on:
Oxygen at night for sleep
CPAP
Long acting insulin before each meal (at outrageous amounts)
Short acting insulin in the AM and in the PM (at 80 units each time)
Metformin (a diabetes pill) (a total of 7 500mg pills a day)
Januvia (another diabetes pill) (just one a day)
High blood pressure meds
High Cholesterol meds
Migraine meds
I was having joint and muscle problems, especially in my back and hip region
I had gained almost a total of 80 pounds in 3 years
I was fed up
My husband was TERRIFIED
This is where my journey began. Way back in March of 2013. I had made the final and difficult decision that I was, no doubt about it, having WLS.
More to the point now...and I will warn you, this blog is VERY personal so I don't give 2 shits about your opinions if they are ANY way negative whatsoever. You can just shove your big toe in your mouth and kinda schwadle away, or something.
About 3 years ago I reached a point in my life where my health was rapidly declining. I was diagnosed, officially, with Type 2 diabetes when I was pregnant with Bella (yes Type 2, not gestational. I was gestational with Aidan, however.) and I had been on a VERY high dose of several different diabetes medications, both oral and injected. I was also on meds for high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I was gaining weight rapidly since they had put me on the short acting insulin before each meal and by that time had almost gained 30 pounds in a matter of 10 months.
The doctors had all talked, and I had talked with all the other of my doctors and I was told unanimously that the insulin was going to make it damn near impossible to lose significant weight to make a difference on my health. It was a vicious circle. Insulin helped my blood sugars, packed on pounds, made blood pressure and cholesterol higher to control, made it harder to move around on my joints, gave me a lot of muscle problems, etc. I would lose a few pounds, but it was so hard with the insulin. (Just for reference, I had to take between 40-150 units of novolog before each meal) (it's a LOT...trust me). They all recommended that if I wanted to lose weight, I should look into Surgical options.
I decided I would do some research. I joined a few groups online, I went to the seminar, spent months attending the support group meetings (2x month), talked in person to upwards of 20-30 people I knew in my life who had gone through one form of the surgery or another, etc. In the end I decided it wasn't for me. It wasn't my time. I didn't want to go through the trauma and risk of surgery when things weren't guaranteed to fix anything. I was fine being fat. My husband loved me. My kids loved me. I loved me. And most of all my medications were working at controlling the problems at hand, despite the side effects.
Fast forward to March 2013. Life hit a road block. The sleeping trouble I was having hit a major bump. Although, I don't know if "sleeping trouble" is the right way to put it. I had NO TROUBLE sleeping. In fact, I slept all the time. In FACT, I couldn't stay awake...and that is where the trouble was. It had been slowly getting worse and worse over the last few years. Started with just needed more sleep than the average bear. Then "Don't wake Mama before her 12 hours!" (yes, 12). Then no driving at night because I'd fall asleep. Then No driving at night and NEEDED a nap every afternoon. Etc. It had progressed to a point where I would just, BAM! Asleep. Mid conversation, mid driving, mid phone call, mid WWE wrestling match on free beer night, didn't matter. I feel so bad for my friends and family during this stage. I promise STILL guys...none of you were boring me!!! And I thank you ALL for your kindness, understanding, and love when I was going through this stage of life!!!! I would deny falling asleep...after all, I was still even participating in conversations and knew what they were saying sometimes! But they promised, I was snoring away. 5 hour energy drinks weren't working, Starbucks wasn't working, nothing. So I went in to the Doctor and she got me a sleep study done right away.
The sleep study was done in March and it was scary. The nurse was very kind, but still, someone watching you sleep is awkward, to say the least. She got me hooked up and let me know that rarely do they do anything with CPAP masks or anything during the study unless someone is REALLY bad off after a good 5-6 hour study without it first so they could collect enough data to support it, usually that would be done at another study if the Doctor feels it's necessary to go on CPAP. She wished me good night, assured me she wasn't going to be watching me all night ( LOL ) and let me snuggle in for the night. Or...2 hours. Because that's when she woke me up. 2 hours later. She rushed in terrified. The sleep study showed that I stop breathing more than 50 times an hour. It also showed that when I fall asleep my Oxygen levels drop to below 60%. She told me she was too afraid to let me continue without CPAP and put me on it immediately. That next morning was the most glorious morning of all my life! I had NEVER felt so refreshed and rejuvenated! (They say that night was the first night I had actually SLEPT in more than about 2 years. I was never actually falling asleep...just unconscious!)
The next week (they upped the appt to an earlier date than originally scheduled) I went in to talk to the Doctor about my results. He walked in, picked up my chart and his jaw hit the floor. He never even got in a "Hello". The first words that came out of his mouth were "How are you still alive?!" and he wasn't being funny. I had never been so terrified in my life. He asked me my health history and I was told, at 32, that he was very suspect about the fact that I had never had a heart attack and wanted to verify that that was true. Not "I want to check your heart", but that he didn't believe that I hadn't had a heart attack yet, I must have just not KNOWN I had one.
I had my heart test and I'm free and clear! No heart attacks, heart is healthy and good! But I suck at the multi-tasking job of breathing while I sleep.
This was the moment that stopped time and changed my life forever.
I went in to my PCM and immediately had her put in that referral for Bariatric Surgery (WLS - or Weight Loss Surgery). My dance card was full. It was time to clear it off.
By this point I was on:
Oxygen at night for sleep
CPAP
Long acting insulin before each meal (at outrageous amounts)
Short acting insulin in the AM and in the PM (at 80 units each time)
Metformin (a diabetes pill) (a total of 7 500mg pills a day)
Januvia (another diabetes pill) (just one a day)
High blood pressure meds
High Cholesterol meds
Migraine meds
I was having joint and muscle problems, especially in my back and hip region
I had gained almost a total of 80 pounds in 3 years
I was fed up
My husband was TERRIFIED
This is where my journey began. Way back in March of 2013. I had made the final and difficult decision that I was, no doubt about it, having WLS.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)