I have 2 posts to write, one I've been procrastinating on and this one that NEEDS to get written tonight for MY wellbeing. (I promise I'll write the next one while it's still this year ;) )
I've been struggling. It's to the point I can't be in support groups anymore (online or in person), I can't read the newsfeeds of my bariatric friends, some I can't even bring myself to talk to anymore. Depression overwhelms me, my anxiety starts flaring, my panic attacks start. Why am I not losing?! What did I do to deserve the "dud" sleeve or have so many of these problems!? I'm frustrated, I'm furious, and frankly...I'm fucking jealous.
I said in my last post about how I haven't lost anything in a long time. I still haven't. A month later. I was in tears tonight with my husband over the whole situation. Again. He brings up the same thing every time. "You didn't have the surgery to be skinny, you had it to be healthy, remember?" Okay, fine, but you know what...I've been a fat girl all my life, for once it'd be totally awesome to know what it was like to be a "normal" or "skinny" girl. And STILL 85ish pounds later, after having weight loss surgery, I'm a size 14 and can shop at Lane Bryant. Just for ONCE I'd like to walk past that store and say "PFFT nothing in there fits me anymore!" NOT because it's BAD to wear clothes from there, I had an AMAZING wardrobe from there for the last 15 years!!! Just because it'd be awesome to say "Those clothes don't fit me" to a plus size store. Like I've had to say to "Normal" stores ever since I was a teenager. That's all. Yes, I can shop in most "Normal" stores now...if they run up a bit bigger in sizing, but it'd be awesome to say "Nope - not you! Everything in that store will NOT fit!"
While I was on video conference with my hubby my one of my bestest friends messaged me. We hadn't talked in a while because life does that, but that doesn't mean squat to our friendship. She is a fellow sleeve patient and as I'm video conferencing with her tiny, skinny little ass she's shoving food into her gob and telling me that she hasn't worked out since the last time I dragged her to the gym with me in AUGUST, when I still lived in Texas with her, and I just wanted to jump through the screen, wring her tiny little neck and yell "THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?!?!!?! YOU! YOU!" but I didn't, because I adore her and none of this is her fault. We talked. And one of the many reasons she's my friend popped out clear as day, she got my out of my slump and into seeing the truth of the matter. And yes, my husband said to me almost the same things she did, but my husband has never been a fat girl dying to fit in (hell, he's never even been a fat boy...and has NEVER EVER WANTED to fit in anywhere LOL), he's never had the surgery, he doesn't understand. Not like she does.
She was able to get to me see a few things. Things that I was too blind in my desperation and frustration to see. Links she's sent me from other groups that I may have gotten (I don't remember, honest!!) but may have not opened because I couldn't bear to look at those groups about advice, options, other people having the same issue I do. She knows I've been struggling. She's been by my side since my 3rd month out, insta best friend since we met. She knows exactly when I stopped losing, she was there showing me other ways to see things. She's been there trying to find answers, researching reasons or diets to try to kick start things again (up my carbs, lower my carbs, up my calories, up my whatever!!!) She may have lost well herself...but she's been in this struggle with me 100% and feels my pain, my frustration, and was the first one to say the words..."Jealous" to me. She gets it. She knows...despite me only having this to be healthy, would it be so friggin' frackin' bad to be a LITTLE skinnier too?!
While talking with her I got to the realization that I do have a lot to be thankful for. No...I may not have lost weight like all these other people have...but I lost weight. 85 pounds of it. I don't have diabetes anymore. A diabetes that was slowly and steadily killing me each day. No vials of insulin to keep cold. Snacks carried in my purse, having to turn around because I ran out of needles, constantly monitoring blood sugars a million times a day. I don't have sleep apnea anymore. I don't to worry about falling asleep in the car (as a passenger) and possibly dying because I stopped breathing. No lugging a HUGE oxygen machine and my CPAP machine around every time I have to go somewhere overnight. I can move again. I have loved sports and working out my ENTIRE life. I even made a career out of it working in Recreation and Aquatics. But before surgery I wouldn't even walk 1/4 mile to the mail box. I wouldn't get the mail until I had to drive that way. It was literally too much for my body to handle. I was winded, my knees would hurt, I would have a headache from the spike in blood pressure. I'm now running miles at a time, I'm working out like I LOVE to, I have energy and feel GOOD! And frankly, I'm more fit than half the "skinny" girls I take classes with! (Skinny does not mean Healthy!!!)
So, because it's Thanksgiving today...I've never been more thankful in my life than I am for being able to be given the opportunity to have this surgery and be able to take my life back and to be there for my friends, family, and children. I am thankful for the people I have met due to the surgery. AMAZING people that were it not for the surgery would have never blessed my life with their presence. I'm thankful that I chose health and I see my children choosing health because of it. They too want to participate in runs, my 5 year old does sit-ups and exercises with me, my 11 year old runs with me, the 5 year old makes healthy choices BECAUSE they are healthy when she's eating. She knows Fries are a sometimes food, but apples are just as yummy and are healthy for her body, so she chooses those instead. These things bring me joy because it means ME getting healthy is ensuring my KIDS will be healthy and be their for their kids in the future. I'm thankful I'm not dependent on chemicals to keep me alive everyday. I'm thankful about how much I've learned about my body, how it moves, how it works, how it processes foods, etc. I'm thankful I can cross my legs or curl up in a chair with a book or squeeze onto a couch with 4 other people when there is limited seating. I'm thankful my hair is starting to grow back, FINALLY. I'm thankful I get to experience life rather than try to keep up with it. I am thankful that when I go to the zoo or on a walk I can keep up with my group instead of them holding back waiting for me to trudge along behind. The list is endless, I can think of so many thing if I sat her long enough. I had to write this post today because of that. Because I NEED to remember...no, you aren't skinny like the other girls who had the surgery...but you are healthy and you are alive and look at all the things you can do now that you could never have done 85 pounds ago.
What I'm not thankful...moving to Ohio from 6 years in Texas right before winter hit and having no wardrobe that fits that is appropriate for cold weather!!!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/sleevingstars - A place for honest support for all bariatric post ops
